Thursday, September 04, 2008

Sensual VS Sexual

People think of it as the same thing, but its not at all. Sensual is something that has to do with the senses, that arouses someone. It is what creates sexual tension. A caress, a kiss, a hug, even music or a picture, can all be sensual. Romance-wise, it's like those kisses that are just mindblowing. It's an intoxicating cocktail of touch, smell, sensivity, oufff and all of that. What can I say, I'm a sensual-type, this kind of thing is just crazy for me. I like to feel the desire and tension burn so strongly that it hurts so much it's good.

Then there's sexual, which is, apart from the obvious, pleasure. In exchange for the pleasure, you burn all the desire that was built up. You can really see the combinaison here.

Sensual things will built up the desire. And sexual things will release the desire in exchange for pleasure.

There are sexual people who only look for sex. For some reason, they feel nothing when they are touched or kissed, and are not interested into feeling, touching or smelling their lover. They will kiss, but only with sex in mind, they don't actually feel anything from the kiss.

There are sensual people who just need to touch, kiss, smell, and feel the body of their lover. Then after that, they have sex but sex isn't really the aim you just have to act upon the desire somehow otherwise you go insane.

There are people who don't feel much of anything either way. Gotta feel sorry for them.

The blog has been revived

It's been almost an entire year I haven't posted on this blog. I don't know why, but I guess it's because nobody will read it. It's kinda pointless to write if no one will care about what I say.

But I guess it is better than nothing.


Ah, so many things have changed! I could make posts after posts explaining all that has happened to me. That would be way too long. But I'll write the big lines.

First, for a time, I got really interested into all sorts of paranormal stuff and alternative belief-systems. Then I realized most of what was said on internet made no sense at all. For an open mind, anything can be true, but sometimes it's just lunacy. I spend some time doing normal stuff. For some reason, mean people really did more an effect on my morale than before, go figure. I had a trip in Italy recently that changed my life. So here I am now.

I can't really say all that happened, it's too personal, but things have gotten pretty bad. I think Italy saved me in a way. Atleast, it gave me something to aim for, some hope.

Well, the machine is started.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Dream

I made a nice dream, just wake up. I'm going to put it down while it is still fresh in my memory.

The beggining of the dream, I don't understand it much. Of what I understand, I live in some sort of "kingdom" seperated into a few "provinces". The kingdom is beautiful, red rock mountains, flowers, pink skies, and so on. The kingdom lives off natural ressources transformation. There is a lot of machinerie in some of those provinces. However, the leaders of the kingdom are corrupted, and very evil. At some point, the leaders forbid all machinerie to be used, and life gets harder. I move around in different kingdoms (I don't walk, I just teleport really). Moving around, I see people do different things to live ( can't say what, it was weird and made no sense, people running around, etc). By moving around, I meet some girl that asks me some questions, and we become friends. Eventually, I leave the kingdom and go settle in some sort of city.

The dream starts, I'm in a rather big city, I'm with my mother and I'm late for school. We're looking for food, a restaurant with decent, not too fatty, healthy food. We're getting pretty late so we hurry up. We enter into a tiny snackbar (there was 5 tables, all squeezed). My mother asks for the menu. Other people at tables, weirdly enough, complain and ask for us to leave, try to convince us to leave. I ask my mother if we can leave, those people make me nervous and the menu is not good. She says ok, but we gotta find another restaurant quick, no time to be picky.

We enter the snackbar right next to the one we just left. It's big. We order two plates, that look and taste disgusting, but I eat haft of mine because I'm hungry. Then, I feel down, because I just remembered I'm going to school. We order some other thing, and when the lady comes back, we learn that we have won a special contest, a small TV and a sofa. Good thing we didn't go to the tiny snackbar.

At this point, I remember I woke up in real, so the dream changes from this point.

I don't remember how this part of the dream starts frankly. Of what I understand, we are in the said city, this time I am my older version of myself, I'm male, and we are around 7 guys and 7 girls and we are dating to create couples.

The first part I remember, we are in a rather big house with carpets, it's night and all lights are off. In this part, I remember I was omnicient. I could switch people and experience the moment as any person, but I also was a particular character in the story. It starts, I'm in observer mode, I see guys and girls getting together and choose some spots in the house to be alone and well smooch. Everyone is lying on carpets, nobody's standing. I look around for a time. Then I enter my own character, which is with some girl. I smooch the girl a little, but I don't like her. Then, that smooching session ends.

The next night, people agree to switch partners to get to know other people. I look around, not sure which one to choose, and I finally choose that girl that looks a lot like smexy Torri Higginson that plays in Stargate Atlantis. *Melts*

So we kiss for a long time, it's bliss even if it's just a dream x__x. After that, the dating begins, I bring Torri-girl to a land close the the sea, somewhat close to the kingdom where I once lived. It's beautiful of course. That part of the dream goes fast, I recall some more smooching, but vaguely.

After that, I want to bring Torri-girl to another date because I'm starting to seriously like her. But, at that point in the dream, I'm confused which name is which girl. And apparently, I invite to a date the bad girl. I invite the girl I smooched before Torri, but this time the girl is in a fat-version of herself. Really ugly. Nevertheless, I go to the date, I can't let fat girl down. In the dream, I'm lighthearted, going in date with fatty, but always thinking of Torri.

We drive from the city in a big truck and suits the fatty's personality perfectly. At some point, she wants to go pee, so we park near a big beautiful house, unreal, and that doesn't exist in our real world. The house is covered in cooper and painted with a black veil to make it look antic, there is huge windows, and we see a family looking at a movie and having fun inside. She says she wants to take pictures, ugh. She proposes I watch the TV through the window of the house while she takes pictures. I say to her that doesn't make sense, and we can't sneak up on people's property like that.

After a while, she agrees, and we head to the bathroom. The house with the bathroom is beautiful aswell, fences with flowers, beautiful stairs. We enter, and funnily enough I end up in the woman's bathroom, my brain screwed up on that. There is lots and lots of people. cheerful people, that seem to be on trips to the countryside. At that point, I remember I and fatty have no particular activity, like those people, so we wont have as much fun, especially minus the smooching, I'm never going to smooch fatty again. I go to toilet, I think. Then I go out the toilet and wait for fatty near the bathroom door, but she aint coming.

I enter inside the toilet again. And there's a huge panic, because there's a huge crabbe, and it's moving and about to fall on people's heads. I laugh. I hear someone say: "What do we do?" Then I hear that person's friend say: "What do you think we do now? At those words, all the girls rush out of the bathroom. I realise fatty wasn't there, so I walk towards the door. I recognise a girl I remember was in my class in highschool in real life, she says hey coldly, and I answer quickly at her cold tone, remembering we weren't on good terms. Honestly, I thought I forgot all those people, but my brain still remembers them.

I go outside, and start running, I see a big fence, try jumping above it, but I fail because I hesitated. Then I start jumping, really high, literally as if I was on the moon. In that part of the dream, and it feels normal, like it's no big deal. I jump towards the car. She goes out the car to join me, looking frustrated, she moon-jumps to me, and we both moon-jump to the car.

She looks at me and says: "I was waiting! And you were just having fun.. You gotta learn some responsablities. I say to myself: wow, it's starting well. I don't care because all I care about is Torri-girl. I say to fatty: "Fun is important, can't always be serious". She says: "I said to the other girls you were the only man that has never let me down, they didn't believe me!". I say to myself: Wow, I see the type of person she is. I then say: "I wasn't having fun, I was waiting for you outside the toilet." At those words, I think of Torri and how I actually care for her, that it's not just physical, and can't wait to see her! Then the dream ends and I wake up.

Too bad, I wanted more Torri kissing. I'm all stirred up now and no one to kiss! D:

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Revelations

I feel I've gotten a lot more intelligent, and aware of things, over the past few months, and weeks. I don't know if I'm going more towards insanity than truth, but I tend to believe I am slowly going towards truth. Right, let me explain myself.

A few months ago, I stumbled on a website on near-death experiences. Near-death experiences are when people die for a few minutes, then the doctors are capable to bringing them 'back to life'. And those people coming back from death are able to tell us what they lived, saw, etc, when they were dead. I consider those experiences to be the only tissue of evidence we have on death and the afterlife. Also, all the NDE(near-death experiences) happen the same way for everyone, of every culture and religion, all stories are similar, so I think we got something there, a good correlation. The thing that bothers me about that website is that it seems rather Christianity-oriented, some information may be biaised due to that. Furthermore, in the 'aliens' section, they write a story of a woman, and through it try to make us believe aliens are nice, gentle creatures, which is total rubbish. By focusing solely on the objective aspects in stories and claims, I think it's a good indicator of reality. What also struck me with the stories and concepts explained on that website is that some of those particular concepts were part of my long-held personnal beliefs and impressions, without me even having read that website before, which is interesting, this leads me to believe what they say about the afterlife is true. The link is easy to find, first result on google, http://www.near-death.com/. I don't believe every detail on that website, but overall I believe it it's true, I'm thinking, trying to see if it could make sense.


A few weeks ago, I discovered a website about aliens, and abductions of aliens. I always considerd aliens as real, because of the massive amount of abduction stories there is. People say all those people lie, but they don't, they have no reason to lie. But the government on the other hand has all reasons to lie and tell us it isn't real if it's true. Why all the secrecy on alien-oriented accidents then? On the website, a few weeks ago, I only focussed on things that scared me. Today, I looked the website again, and read the information they got from abductees again. I read the story about the aliens, and I understand a lot more than I first did a few weeks ago. I see the links between each species of aliens, us, why were here. I don't blindly believe what they say, many details are probably not true, but overall, I'm sure it's true. The medias ridiculized aliens so much, that's why not everyone believes in them, even with the enourmous amount of evidence.

Two days ago, I was reading a tip.it offtopic thread and on it there was a link to a two hour film called Zeitgeist the Movie. I had time to watch it, without any particular expectations, and I was very surprised. The movie explains in three parts: where the Christianity comes from, it gives solid evidence 9/11 was made by the american government and why they did it, and the last part explains where the income tax money goes to, and who has the real control in the USA: the banks. The third part was the most interesting, because it's the real eye-opener. I can't even explain it but I'll try, you need to see the movie to understand truly what I'm saying though. It's like realising that we are in Matrix, that what medias, newspapers, governments tell us are all lies destined to hide their true intentions; enslave and dumb-down the population, rob them of their rights. People believe what their rulers tell them is real, but it's not, it's lies. Reality is something completely different. Throughout the movie, they give solid facts and examples.. it's true. But the worse is that the people all around us believe those lies, and they will not act to help free us all, they will stay in their cozy basket of lies.

It's an amazing feeling though, it's like for the first time of my life, my eyes are open. They say when we are a child, we are less attached to this world, and we are more lucid to truth. Like everyone, I become attached to this world, forgot the truth. But now, I can feel myself driftly slowly away from this world, and towards universal truth.

I feel I'm finding the pieces of a big puzzle, and I'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together in order to understand the world. I ask myself all those questions, try to understand this world, for one reason: what do I have to do? What do I have to do to wake up the people around us to the truth? Who do I have to fight to win this war? All that I have lived, seems to bring me here, and none of those revelations would have happened if things had happened otherwise. This is my destiny then, to understand all those things. What for? What's my destiny? What do I have to do? I wouldn't mind dieing if I had to, it feels of little importance compared to all of this.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tomorrow is the big day, getting operated. To be honest, I'm disgusted. They made me take laxatives today to "clean the intestines", but they didn't work, instead they gave me a stomach ache. Wow, thanks hospital for being so clever. Then tomorrow they will put me a tube somewhere in order to pee because I cant get up for 24 hours. Thats nasty, disgusting, and I don't need it. Pfff, 1/2 inch cut and I cant get up for 24 hours? Then during the operation, I'll be all naked! They said I would be under sterile w/e, but I'll still be nude. Ew, just ew. They might have the decency to leave my breasts alone. I might survive this physically, but mentally, I might not. You know, we have all those cute misconsceptions about the hospital.. Well the hospital is filth, I hope I never step into one of them ever again. Honestly, what I lived so far at the hospital was horrible, I'm already troubled by it. So this, this is just total destruction. Id rather die than to be humiliated, without a doubt. This is pure humiliation, to reduce a person with drugs, then taking them naked, making them drink tons of filthy stuff, then forcing them to stay in a room with sick people for days, it's disgusting, I am disgusted of them, in another life if it's possible, I swear I will kill all those who think they are superior, like a lot of the people in the hospitals, thinking highly of themselves because they put the patients down everyday of their lives. I am angry, sad, anxious. This wouldn't happen to me if I was a guy, I always wanted to be a guy, and goddamit I'm a girl. A guy doesn't have to any ovarian cyst, because thats what I have. A guy doesn't have to give a heck if he's nude, it doesn't matter. Goddamit, I am mad, and I swear here and now that I will get revenge.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Lakehouse

I was always very sceptical of that movie. You know, it won prizes, and everything. And usually, things that win prizes are plainly weird. Then I rented it, because there was nothing else to rent, and I loved it ;O I loved the angst all through the movie. 10/10 ;)

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Gay Bar: A Bleach yaoi amv

Bleach rulz, and this video is just so well made.

Snape sexy.

I found that video on youtube, it's hilarious. So cool.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Nat

I was telling myself to give up on Nathanael. But since the last message I made two dreams about him. Idk, it's as if someone out there was trying to push me to talk to him. ;O

I am not gluten intolerant! Nope, I got some exams, and I have a huge cyst. Mine is something like 20 cm x 15 cm. It's huge, right on my belly.
It's not cool because I need to wait 5 weeks before I can be opereated. But I'll lose something like 10 pounds when they'll remove it lol. Isn't that neat? I always thought that bumpy stomach was fat or something, even though I'm very thin everywhere else. But once they remove it, Ima be a top model lol. I'll be down to around 110 pounds. Then I gotta lose like 5 pouds to become perfect. Easy st0ff. But yeah it sucks to wait 5 weeks. But what is cool is that everyone will see my new thinner me before the end of classes hahaha. Ain't that neat? That gives me even more chances with Nathanael ;D